


i love you enough to let you go

by zahra0110



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Also some fluff, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, couldn’t help it, macriley, once again i apologize for the angst, you were warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:08:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24055702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zahra0110/pseuds/zahra0110
Summary: « As much as Riley wanted to be selfish in that moment and follow her heart, she knew she couldn’t let Russ die because of her. So instead she followed her head and followed them as she left Mac behind and her heart along with him. »-based on the explosion in the 4x13 trailer
Relationships: Riley Davis & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Riley Davis/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 81
Kudos: 177





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hiii guys, this is my first macriley fic ! i wrote this at 5am so i apologize for any potential mistake lmao. The title is from the song “already gone” by sleeping at last! If y’all know me you’ll also know this fic is gonna be full of angst lmaoo, this is for all the amazing people in the macriley gc on tumblr, and also @canarywarrior and @spiritsontheroof, my fellow angst partners lmao

Riley didn’t know how the hell they’d gotten into this mess and yet here they were, all four of them in the middle of a bridge looking at a bomb.

Mac was trying to figure out a way to disarm it and Desi was holding on to Russ because of the injury he had gotten while fighting against some Codex agents earlier that day.

Realizing it was going to go off at any moment, Mac had to make a decision quickly and chose once again to play the hero.

"I don’t know if I’ll be able to disarm it in time, you guys need to leave now" he said without even looking at them in the eyes, simply not being able to.

"No way I’m not leaving you." Riley said without any hesitation.

"Riles-" Mac tried to argue but was cut off by the stubborn hacker who clearly wasn’t having any of it.

"No !" she said as her voice broke.

He knew there was no way in hell she would ever willingly leave him so he turned to Desi and Russ while avoiding Riley’s gaze, he just couldn’t say goodbye to  _ her _ .

"Russ, Desi, take her and go ! I’ll be right behind you I promise, but you need to leave now or we’re all gonna die ! Only one of us needs to stay"

"Come on Riley" Russ said as he grabbed her but she didn’t make it easy, Desi had to help him dragging her away but Riley had no intention of leaving Mac. 

After seeing the determined yet broken look on her face, Desi spoke up.

"Riley we have to go, Russ is hurt, I need you to stop fighting us and help me get him out of here before it’s too late. Mac knows what he’s doing, we need to go now !"

Riley didn’t want to leave but Desi had a point, and as much as Riley wanted to be selfish in that moment and follow her heart, she knew she couldn’t let Russ die because of her. So instead she followed her head and followed them as she left Mac behind and her heart along with him.

But as they were running away, the bomb exploded and before they knew it all three of them were lying on the ground.

Riley ignored the pain in her shoulder and got back up even faster than she fell. 

No sight of  _ him  _ .

"MAC" she cried out, or yelled, she couldn’t really tell with the ringing in her ears but she kept calling out his name as loudly as she could as she was trying to run back to him but her legs had other plans, and so did Desi who suddenly had her arms around her and was trying to hold her back. 

She tried to struggle her way back in vain since all the strength she had seemed to have left her body.

She couldn’t even see much because of the smoke caused by the explosion or maybe it was simply because of the tears in her eyes that were blurring her vision. 

She cried and screamed as she kept calling his name until she fell back on her knees and Desi sank back with her, not letting go.

He was gone. Mac was gone and she didn’t even get to tell him how she felt, didn’t get to tell him how much he meant to her, how much she loved him. 

She buried her face in her hands and sobbed as she felt completely empty and filled at the same time. Filled with nothing but sadness and regrets.

They stayed that way for what seemed like hours, or maybe only minutes, none of them was really able to tell until they heard someone coughing. 

Riley stopped crying and got back on her feet almost immediately, completely ignoring the ache in her whole body but didn’t allow herself to have hope, not just yet.

But slowly she saw his silhouette forming in front of her. Was her consciousness playing tricks on her ? Or was he actually standing in front of her ? She really couldn’t tell in that moment.

Almost afraid he’d disappear, she called hesitantly, her voice breaking "Mac ?"

She could see him clearly now as a small grin lit up his face.

That was the only confirmation she needed before she ran to him and jumped into his arms, wrapping her own around his shoulders as he held her by the waist.

She didn’t even feel the tears that were rolling down her cheeks, she just held him as tightly as she could, so she could feel the pressure of his body against hers, to make sure he was real, that he was really there.

He buried his face in the crook of her neck as he kept saying "I’m here, I’m okay, we’re okay", not quite sure which one of them needed to hear it most.

He held her until she stopped shaking and only let go when they were interrupted by Desi and Russ who caught up to them.

Riley stepped back so she could let Desi and Mac have their moment and looking at them hugging brought her back to reality. A reality where he wasn’t hers. She wanted to tell him then, to yell at him and tell him she’s right there, that she’s been there all along and that he has her heart in the palm of his hand but the words just wouldn’t come out of her mouth.

She brushed the tears off her face and caught him looking at her, his eyes saying everything he couldn’t. 

His gaze was almost apologetic and she simply smiled sadly, though her smile didn’t reach her eyes, and shook her head, as if to tell him  _it’s fine, I’ll be fine_.

Russ chose that exact moment to step up 

"Alright, we should go before the entire bridge collapses" he said, his gaze not leaving Riley’s.

The four of them split up, Russ and Desi went back to the Phoenix, following Matty’s strict orders to come back and Riley and Mac went back to the Codex underground city, to get on with their mission and finish what they had started.

Before getting inside the car, Riley grabbed Mac’s hand to make him look at her and took a second to gather her thoughts before speaking, and Mac didn’t say a thing, as he was waiting for her to be ready to say whatever had been on her mind.

"Don’t you ever do something like that again. You don’t get to die on me !Because if you do, I swear to god I’ll bring you back to life just so I can kick your ass and kill you myself, got it ?" she threatened, with tears in her eyes.

He smiled and brought his hand to cup her cheek as he simply said "okay".

She shook her head and couldn’t help the grin that appeared on her face and pulled him in another hug before she said "I can’t lose you"

He kissed the top of her head and held her tighter. "You won’t, I’m sorry."

She fought off the tears in her eyes that threatened to spill when she whispered "I’m just glad you’re okay".

"I promised, didn’t I ?" he said as he pulled away.

They both smiled at each other, lingering for a little too long and holding onto this moment like a lifeline they both desperately needed.

"Come on, let’s finish this so we can go home" he said as he opened the car door for her.

She knew she couldn’t have him, but she couldn’t bring herself to give up on him, on those moments she shared with him, on the way he made her feel. And if just being his friend was the only way to keep him in her life and to keep those moments that meant so much to her, then so be it.

She couldn’t be selfish with him, couldn’t throw her feelings at his face with everything he was already going through, and she couldn’t do that to Desi. 

Maybe she was being a coward, or maybe she was doing the right thing. 

But in reality it was simply Riley Davis being her own selfless and incredible self and putting everyone else’s happiness before hers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4x13 ? idk her  
> Gwen is still alive in this because im only going to acknowledge a few scenes from that episode lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the kudos and comments, you guys are all so sweet and it warmed my heart to read them ! im so grateful for all the feedback ive received !! this story was only supposed to be a oneshot but you definitely inspired me to keep writing it !!  
> anyway i think we can all agree that the finale was disappointing for us macriley shippers, so let’s just pretend it never happened lmao at least until s5 comes out.

Mac and Riley got back to the little apartment Gwen had found them in the underground city and they were exhausted. 

It had been a very long day to say the least.

During the whole drive back to Codex, Riley couldn’t help but glance at Mac, to make sure he was really here, sitting next to her and driving them back to their temporary little home and not... well, blown up. 

They had called Matty to make sure they were all on the same page to prevent something like Desi and Russ showing up and almost ruining their cover from happening again.

Once they finally reached their destination, Mac pulled over and looked at Riley before asking her "you okay ?"

"Yeah, yeah I am" she answered as she nodded, not only to answer his question but also to assure herself that she was okay. Because she had to be.

They quickly met up with Gwen to fill her in with some details on their mission and finally got to their apartment.

Mac unlocked the door and held it for her to come in, and closed it after following her inside. Riley had no more energy left in her and she immediately collapsed on the couch, which caused Mac to smile at her.

"I was gonna suggest we go get something to eat but I’m guessing you wouldn’t be down for that" he said chuckling 

"I would if I could, but I’m-"

"Exhausted, I know. How about you stay here and I go get us something because I don’t know about you, but escaping death always makes me hungry" he tried to joke.

"Hilarious" she rolled her eyes at him but that didn’t stop the grin on her face "Okay, not gonna lie, I may be tired but I’d kill for a burger right now" she said, still lying on the couch.

"Alright, I’ll be right back" he said as he reopened the front door.

"Hurry ! can’t guarantee I’ll still be awake when you get back" she shouted but it was muffled by the pillow she buried her face in.

"I’ll do my best" he said shaking his head and smiling to himself.

-

He got back 20 minutes later with two burgers, some fries and coke, her favorite.

But he wasn’t surprised to find her deeply asleep the same way he had left her.

She looked so peaceful.

He put the food on the oven to keep it warm and went to the bedroom to get a blanket. 

He went over to her sleeping form and sat on the couch to take off her boots, as carefully as possible trying not to wake her, but she was profoundly asleep after the events of the previous day.

He put her boots on the floor and unfolded the blanket before putting in on her.

He went back to the kitchen to eat his burger and then back to the living room, sitting next to where she was sleeping.

He looked at her and started thinking about everything that had happened within the last 24 hours. 

She had joined him. She didn’t even know he was going undercover, and she still joined him anyway. She trusted him enough to go into this mess blindly, and apparently she was the only person who trusted him enough to actually give him the benefit of the doubt and not immediately jumping off to conclusions. She literally saved him and she risked so much by doing so. She could’ve lost her career, could’ve gone back to prison, or worse, she could’ve died.

—-

_ « It’s a trap, they’re gonna blow the warehouse. Everyone needs to run now !» Mac said as he and Riley took cover behind a piece of metal before the fire started spreading everywhere. _

_ He got back up, made sure Riley was behind him and then was headed towards the exit. _

_ He got out only to find Desi and Russ waiting for him outside as they ran to him. _

_ He was coughing because of the smoke and turned to see if Riley had gotten hurt but she wasn’t there. _

_Mac started panicking and got back up immediately « where is she ?! she was just behind me...I gotta get back inside.. I have to.. » he mumbled to himself and_ _started making his way back to the building on fire._

_ « Mac you can’t go back there ! » Desi said worriedly. _

_ «Riley is still in there ! I have to get back !" he raised his voice. He didn’t have time to discuss this, they were talking about Riley’s life. _

_« No Mac it’s too dangerous, the fire will take you out ! » Russ tried to argue but Mac didn’t even pretend to listen as he ran back inside to find her_.

_ There was so much smoke everywhere and the flames were threatening to burn him alive but he had to find her. _

_ And there she was, lying on the floor, unconscious, not very far from the exit. _

_ She must’ve fell right before he got out. _

_ « Riles ! » he yelled as he got to her.  _

_ she was still breathing. Barely, but still. _

_ He honestly didn’t know where in the hell did he find the strength to do so but he lifted her and carried her bridal style out of there. _

_ As soon as he was out, Desi and Russ rushed to help him as she was slowly waking up and started coughing . _

_ Mac let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding as a feeling of relief filled him entirely. He sank to the ground still holding her so she was now lying on his lap. _

_ He brought his hands to her face to look for any potential injuries, but thankfully there weren’t any. _

_ « Hey, you’re okay, we’re okay » he smiled at her and put a strand of her hair behind her ear before pulling her into his arms. _

—

Mac didn’t know what he would’ve done if Riley had died in that fire.  _It would have been my fault _, he thought.

She risked everything for him, and there she was, peacefully asleep next to him, and Mac couldn’t put a word on what he was feeling as he was looking at her in that moment, and then he thought about the fact that he had almost lost her today and he thought he was going to be sick at the simple thought of living in a world without her in it.

He was brought back to reality by a text from Gwen, telling him at what time he and Riley needed to meet her the next day.

He brought his hands to his face and realized how tired he was. 

He just lay back on the couch and fell asleep next to her.

He was awoken by a shaking Riley who had tears falling down her face but was still asleep.

He got up, knelt in front of her and started rubbing her arm as an attempt to wake her up gently.

"hey hey hey, riles it’s okay, you’re just having a nightmare, it’s okay, it’s not real, you’re okay"

she startled and woke up, still shaken up but looked relieved when she saw him.

"you...you were dead, I thought you’d died, I...I thought.." it looked like she was suffocating and she started panicking again so Mac took her hand and put it right above his heart.

"hey, you feel that ? I’m alive. I’m right here with you, it’s okay." he kept his hand on hers and none of them moved as Riley simply nodded and started calming down slowly, taking deep breaths, looking at him right in the eyes.

His gaze on her was so intense she had to look away.

"Thank you" she said but still didn’t move her hand.

He smiled reassuringly and squeezed her hand before looking at the time.

_** 6:03.  ** _

He smiled to himself and softly said "I’ll make us some breakfast".

He got up and went to the kitchen and Riley’s hand suddenly felt cold at the loss of contact.

She started getting ready while Mac was trying not to burn the place down from the kitchen.

Turns out there was one thing in the world he couldn’t do : cooking.

And to Riley’s amusement, he kept trying nonetheless.

She joined him in the kitchen and snorted as she tried to hold back a laugh when she saw his completely failed attempt at making pancakes, but as soon as she met his gaze, they both burst into laughter.

"come on, like you could’ve done any better ! " Mac said laughing and Riley really couldn’t stop giggling as she put her hand on his shoulder.

"Hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure even a two year old could’ve done better"she replied as she patted his shoulder.

The kitchen was a chaotic mess, there was flour all over the counter and the smell was awful because somehow Mac had managed to roast every single pancake he made. 

In that moment, as they were both teasing each other and laughing carelessly, it was like the rest of the world had ceased to exist. No Codex, no Phoenix, no life or death situations, no difficult choices to make, no bomb explosions, no complicated relationships, no feelings having to hide, it was just  _ them_.

"Okay but seriously, let’s be honest I know my cooking is bad but I know for a fact that yours is just as bad, if not worse"

Her jaw dropped and she frowned as she tried to look offended before saying "you did not just say that"

Mac chuckled "I did"

"I’m a so better cook than you are !" she tried to keep a straight face but the corners of her mouth turned upwards against her will.

"Then prove it"

She folded her arms and raised her eyebrows before saying "are you challenging me to a cooking contest ?!"

"If you mean beat you in a cooking contest then yeah that’s exactly what I’m gonna do" he said amused.

"Bring it on, be ready to get your ass kicked because I am so going to win !".

Not even 5 minutes into the « cooking contest », Mac looked over at Riley who seemed to be struggling just as much as he was. He raised his hands in defeat and said "Alright, how about a truce, I suggest we join forces before we end up burning the place down because let’s face it we’re both horrible at cooking".

"Thank god I thought you’d never ask" she chuckled "okay let’s try this again"

They turned on the radio and started dancing and fooling around while trying to make somehow edible pancakes.

He looked at her as she was dancing and smiling while unsuccessfully flipping the pancake pan over and over again and for the first time in a while, Mac didn’t feel the emptiness that had been eating him up for the past couple of weeks. 

For the first time in a while, he was _happy_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, let me know your thoughts :))) i love you all


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys ! I’m sorry this took so long, it’s been a pretty stressful week and i didn’t feel like writing but im back ! i wrote chapter 4 before i wrote this one haha so i’ll probably post it soon, just need to edit it first ! thank you so much for all of your sweet messages, you guys are amazing and i love you so much <33

Bozer went back to the lab before hopefully another successful day for Riley and Mac’s undercover mission. He got in ready for his daily dancing-before-a-day-of-work routine only to find Desi on the phone as she had just hung up. She looked upset.

"You okay Des ?" he asked her worriedly.

"Yeah..I will be" she said avoiding his gaze

"What do you mean ?"

"I just broke up with Mac" she finally looked up to him.

Bozer had grown to like Desi, so seeing her hurting pained him, but he couldn’t help but feel some joy in what Desi had just admitted to him. He tried his best not to show it and to support his friend, but deep down, he was happy for someone else. 

He cleared his throat and took a step closer to her as he said "What ? Why ?"

"We all know why. He’s not in love with me. He’s in love with Riley."

Bozer raised a brow at her, not confirming or denying anything to the girl standing in front of him. 

"Did he say that ?"

"He didn’t need to" she said shaking her head.

Bozer frowned and before he was able to reply Desi huffed a laugh as she brushed a tear off her face.

"Come on Bozer, the only people who don’t know that Mac loves Riley are Mac and Riley"

Bozer didn’t know what to say. He obviously was aware of the buried feelings between his two best friends and that made him so happy, but he didn’t know what to say to Desi that wouldn’t hurt her.

"Did you tell him that when you broke up with him ?" he decided asking.

"No, I didn’t want him to feel guilty about it, I just reminded him of how much we don’t work as a couple, and that it’d be best for both of us to remain friends". 

She inhaled deeply and went on. 

"They both deserve to be happy. And so do I. And not only was I standing in the way of their happiness by staying with mac, but I was also denying myself the happiness that I deserve, and I can finally see that. So now I’m choosing to be happy." she said as she smiled proudly with tears in her eyes that were still threatening to fall.

Bozer couldn’t help but smile at that. 

"As you should ! Come on, let’s get some drinks, it’s on me. I think you need it.” 

Desi laughed and said “you have no idea, thank you boze".

—

Mac and Riley were cleaning the mess they had made in the kitchen following their failed attempt at making pancakes when he got a phone call from Desi.

"I should take this.." he said pointing at his phone

"yeah sure, just meet me downstairs, I have to talk to the computer team anyway". she said before taking her jacket and leaving hurriedly before her jealousy could start to show.

She sighed as soon as she closed the door, leaned against it and took a deep breath as she had to remind herself she had to accept the fact that he was still with Desi. God she really wished he weren’t though. She took a second to gather her thoughts and made her way to the elevator.

Mac watched her leave and waited a few more seconds before picking up, almost hesitating "Hey Desi what’s up ?"

-

When he hung up, he thought he would feel sad, or mad or anything really, but nothing.

His girlfriend had just broken up with him and he knew it was the best decision they could’ve made.

He cared for Desi, he did. But being with her felt like some kind of responsibility of his after everything that had happened and he felt like he owed it to her, and of course he didn’t want to hurt her, so he stayed, despite not being in love with her. 

So it’s needless to say that he was relieved that she had called it quits, and hopefully they would manage to remain friends without things being awkward within the team. It was the last thing either of them needed.

He grabbed his leather jacket and went to catch up on Riley so they could meet with Gwen just like they had agreed to.

He saw her talking to some guys and he assumed they were from the computer team but she met him up and walked towards his aunt.

Gwen had been talking to Scarlett when she saw him and Riley coming up to her. She said something to Scarlett that neither Mac nor Riley could hear and started walking towards them.

"How are my favorite lovebirds ?" she said with the biggest grin on her face.

Mac lowered his head as he smiled at what Gwen had just said whereas Riley said "could you not" and tried her best to sound annoyed but blushed nonetheless.  _Fuck she hoped no one had noticed that_.

Gwen then explained to them what they had to do today. 

Their mission was supposed to be short and simple. 

Let’s just say it wasn’t. So they did what they do best :  _ improvise _ .

The three of them had to get another weapon and Riley had to hack their way into a secured building in order to get it.

Everything was going as planned until they got company on their way out.

Five guys were shooting at them trying to stop them from stealing the weapon and bullets were flying from everywhere.

"Get down !" Gwen yelled.

They tried to dodge the bullets and get back to the car but then suddenly Riley felt a sharp pain in her stomach, she brought her handto her stomach only to see it all bloody when she looked down at it and saw all the blood that was coming out of her body. 

For a second it was like the world had stopped, and apparently so did her mind from working properly.

She was right behind Mac and Gwen and she really couldn’t think straight. 

The only word she could mutter was his name.

"Mac ?" she called out weakly.

He turned to her with a horrified look on his face as he saw her.

Before she could even register what was happening, she fell and Mac caught her before she could hit the ground.

He held her in his arms as he started panicking when he saw the fear in her eyes.

"no no no no... hey Riles stay with me, hey look at me"

He lifted her and got inside the car hurriedly but carefully and Gwen started driving to the nearest hospital.

He tried to stop the bleeding by putting pressure to the wound with his jacket and saw her struggling to keep her eyes opened so he brought one hand to her face and gently shook her "Riley I need you to stay awake okay ? stay with me please" he said with a shaky voice and his hands were shaking as well. _He couldn’t lose her._

She shook her head and pressed her bloody hand to his shaky one which was still cupping her cheek and tried to speak but he shushed her, as his vision was beginning to blur "don’t , just stay with me, okay ?"

"This..is n-not your f-fault" she finally managed to say.

"no don’t you die on me riles you’re gonna be okay, just hold on a little okay ? we’re almost here, they’re gonna fix you, just stay with me"

"Don’t blame y-yourself. Promise m-me you won’t."

"Riley.." he shook his head as tears were falling down his cheeks.

"P-promise me"

It was the last thing she said before passing out but fortunately for them, they finally reached the hospital.

The doctors immediately took her to surgery and Mac and Gwen remained in the waiting room, desperately hoping she’d make it.

Mac hated waiting. But there he was, in the waiting room, his anxiety and concern growing and there was absolutely nothing he could do. He felt completely and utterly useless as  he was walking in circles in the room and was incapable of staying still. He usually was the one who solved everything, who fixed everything but he couldn’t fix this. And as much as he hated it, all he could do was wait.

He needed something to occupy his hands, but it wasn’t in a hospital waiting room that he’d find the clip papers he desperately needed to have between his fingers.

He ran his hands through his hair countless of times and was struggling with his own mind, millions of thoughts running through his head as he was at war with his own self, alone with his anxiety in his head.

He couldn’t lose her. He simply couldn’t.

Imagining a world without _her_ in it was just unbearable. 

He didn’t even know how long he had been waiting. Has it been minutes? hours even ? how much longer will it take ?He had no idea and now he needed to know.

He rushed to the first nurse he found.

"Do you know how is Riley Davis ? Is she still in surgery ? Will she make it ? when will I be able to see her ?" he didn’t let the poor woman answer as he kept asking more questions.

Finally she said "Sir, I don’t know."

He didn’t mean to raise his voice at her but he did it anyway "what do you mean you don’t know ?!"

"I’m gonna see how it’s going but I’m gonna need you to calm down sir, there are other patients in here and you’re not the only one waiting for some news".

He sighed angrily and ran his hands through his hair again before rubbing his eyes and turned away only to meet Gwen’s worried gaze as she gestured for him to come and sit next to her.

He hesitated but nodded and sat before he started fidgeting with his watch as he started shaking his leg out of nervousness.

She looked at him intensely as she was trying to read him.

"I know you love her." she suddenly said out of the blue, so softly it was almost a whisper.

Mac met her gaze and could only blink at what he’d just heard his aunt say.

"And I know you’re terrified of losing her right now but you need to stay calm or they won’t let you see her."

He looked as if he were going to argue so before could even threaten whoever was going to stop him from seeing her, Gwen went on and said "It’s okay to feel scared. You have every reason to. But they’re just doing their job"

Mac nodded but it didn’t mean that he didn’t hate it any less.

"How did you.." he sounded confused and didn’t even know what question he was going to ask. But it seemed like Gwen knew exactly what he was referring to.

"You’re my nephew, I guess we can call that some sort of aunt presentiment" she winked at him and smiled.

He raised an eyebrow at her and she snorted "Come on, even a blind man could see it ! you think i don’t see the way you look at her ? or how you immediately reached for her hand when we were almost going to die roasted alive by that missile ? I mean I didn’t need to draw the lines I just connected the dots and it is pretty obvious to be fair"

"It’s...complicated" he said shaking his head.

"Seems pretty damn simple to me" she replied with a reassuring smile.

Before they could continue their conversation, the nurse came to them and said "She’s out of surgery. She’s still unconscious and she could be for a few hours, but she’s stable and you can see her now" she said with a comforting grin.

Mac let out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding and felt himself finally calming down as he took deep but still shaky breaths.

Gwen put her hand on his shoulder and said "I’ll go home to get you some clothes since I don’t think you’re going to want to leave her side."

"thanks" he nodded and gave her hand a squeeze as she told him she’d be back in a few hours.

He came in the room and his heart dropped when he saw her on the hospital bed.

She looked so little, with all those tubessurrounding her and he was overwhelmed with a sense of protectiveness as he was looking at her.

He tried to take quiet steps, and walked towards her slowly, not really sure what he was afraid of. Waking her ? no that’s what he wanted the most. That she’d disappear? Probably. Crazy right ? She was right there, but a part of his brain could easily be playing tricks on him. He shook his head to shove that thought away. She was here, breathing, _alive_.

He sat on the chair beside her bed and took her tiny hand in his.

He felt tears rolling down his face and he brushed them away with his sleeve. 

He squeezed her hand and brought it to his lips as he pressed a gentle kiss to the back of her delicate hand, so softly almost afraid it’d break.

He sat there for hours, watching her and praying for her to open her eyes.

There was nothing he wanted more than to see her eyes again.

He felt guilty. It was his fault. She came to Codex for him, _because_ of him. 

"I’m sorry. I should’ve gotten us out before those guys were even able to come near you. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this mess in the first place. Riles, I am  so sorry"

He looked down and blinked away a few more tears as he was still holding her hand tightly. 

He was startled by a small voice that sounded like hers.

"what part of ‘don’t blame yourself’ was so hard to understand ?" she said weakly, her eyes barely opened but looking at him.

He gave her and wide watery smile "hey..."

She brought her hand to his face a brushed off some of his tears with her thumb as she returned a smile as best she could.

"how do you feel ?" he sniffed and brought his chair even closer.

"tired" she answered with half a smile

"get some rest, I’m not going anywhere, I promise." he squeezed her hand once more and she nodded before drifting off to sleep.

He felt so relieved and allowed himself to rest as well, but without letting go of her hand. 

Gwen came back not so long after only to find him asleep, still sitting on the chair but with his head on his crossed arms on Riley’s bed, holding her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it ! for those who follow me on tumblr, yes i totally reused the desixbozer conversation drabble i posted on my blog lmao it finally felt like it fit in the story. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you thought of it !


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once again wrote this at 4 am lmao so forgive me for the potential mistakes in this ! i don’t know if im 100% happy with this chapter but i didn’t want to make you guys wait any longer so here it is !! Again i can’t thank you enough for all the kudos and lovely messages you send me, it means the absolute world to me and keeps me so motivated to write more !

Riley got out of the hospital after a few days. Her recovery was going pretty well and the doctors decided to let her go.

Mac stayed with her every step of the way, and explained to Gwen that after what had happened they decided to leave Codex and to not get involved in anything for a while. Gwen had obviously understood and let them be, but in reality Mac and Riley decided they would go back to working with Phoenix, convinced it’d be safer to back down and get away from Codex.

They didn’t talk about Desi. In fact Riley didn’t even know they broke up.

After everything that had happened, it just simply didn’t occur to him to mention it and to be honest he didn’t even think about it. 

It had been 5 days since Riley got shot and now that she was completely out of that life or death situation, she had to facethat other issue of hers. 

She was still in love with her best friend. _Right_. And now that they let another team deal with Codex, she had plenty of time to consider facing those feelings, and decide whether she should do something about them or not.

A part of her was telling her to ignore those feelings, and keep being as close to Mac as she was, as his best friend.

Another part of her was telling her to stop being a coward and just confess everything to Mac and for once in her life,  _ to put herself first . _

But a voice in her head, that she had tried to push away for so long, was telling her to keep her distance, and to let him be happy with Desi even if it meant _letting him go_. 

But _she loved him enough to do that_.

And besides, he was never hers to keep so why was she even struggling to make a decision ?

Riley obviously chose the third option _(_ _ that was a shocker, right ?  _ _)_ and decided to take her distance.

She told Mac she needed to see her mom and that he should go back to work without waiting for her, that she’d be back in a few days.

He didn’t question it, telling her to call if she needed anything and he’d come right away and then he hugged her goodbye. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t melt in his embrace.

She stayed at her mom’s house for 3 days, and used the time she spent there to obviously spend it with her mother, but also to keep looking for an apartment. 

She found one within 2 days and now she had to figure out how she was going to tell Mac.

She didn’t even know why she was nervous about it, because when Mac invited her to stay at his house it was never supposed to be forever. Only until she found another place to stay. Which she did. _So why bother trying to find an explanation other than that one ?_

Maybe she knew he wouldn’t let her go so easily right after she had gotten shot.

Or at least she secretly hoped so.

Or maybe he wouldn’t even care about her moving out,  _so pull yourself together _ _Riley_ ,  she ordered herself.

Either way she didn’t want to find out, afraid the truth would hurt her feelings, so she decided she wouldn’t tell him before she actually moved out. So she wouldn’t have to find out whether he’d fight for her to stay or not.  _ But why would he anyway ? He’s with Desi. _

She made up her mind and before she could cower away from doing it, she went back to LA and went to Mac’s house when he was still at work so she could take her stuff and leave.

She tried to convince herself the whole way back that it was the right thing to do.

That it was the most selfless thing to do.

The best thing to do.

She started packing the second she arrived. Mac wasn’t supposed to be home before at least 2 hours, and she intended to make the best of it.

She was half way through filling her second suitcase as she heard the door lock.

_Mac_.

"oh crap" she murmured to herself.

She turned quickly to face him "you’re home early" she said in lieu of a greeting.

"Didn’t know you were back !" he had the biggest smile on his face but it immediately faded as he saw all the boxes behind her "wait what are you doing ? you packing ? are you gonna be staying longer with your mom ?" he asked curiously.

"Um..no I’m moving out. I found an apartment" she said avoiding his gaze.

"what ?" he looked even more confused than he already was "why the rush ? you just got back" he tried not to look disappointed but he was sure he failed.

"I uh.. I thought we both knew I wasn’t going to stay eternally, and I finally managed to find a great place not too far from the Phoenix so I had to take it" she answered, still not looking at him directly in the eyes.

"well sure but-"

She turned away and kept packing as she said "it’s not a big deal I just need my own space"  _ ouch _ . She didn’t mean to sound so harsh but she just wanted to leave as quickly as possible. To run away as quickly as possible. _Real brave,Riley._

"were you even going to tell me ?" she could tell by his tone that he was hurt by what she had just said.

She looked over her shoulder, briefly looking at him but didn’t answer.

"Riley seriously what’s going on ? what is this really about ?" he raised his voice and flinched because it was the last thing he wanted to do, but his emotions got the best of him.

"I told you I just need space !"

"it’s not even about you moving out but it’s about you planning to do it behind my back without even letting me know !" 

"what do you want me to say Mac ?" she finally met his gaze. He looked frustrated and hurt. She knew he wanted to fix this. To find a solution like he always does but she had to stay focused and not forget what she came here for. 

"I want you to tell me the truth !"

"the truth ?" she huffed a laugh and looked away, "the truth is that I can’t pretend anymore mac! I can’t pretend that when I thought you’d died, I didn’t feel like I was dying too, because I did. can’t pretend that everytime I see you kiss her and be with her, it doesn’t feel like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest because it does. I can’t pretend like I don’t love you because I do ! I love you, and I can’t pretend like I don’t any longer, because I’ve been trying for way too long and I’m exhausted !" Her voice broke and she took a second to calm herself and gather her thoughts before she went on "I love you and the simple thought of losing you makes me feel so weak that I can’t even breathe. I’m not asking you to feel it back or to actually do anything about it 'cause it wouldn’t be fair to you after just throwing it in your face but I just...I couldn’t lie to you anymore." 

He didn’t know what to say, he could only blink looking at her as he was hit with so many emotions at the same time but he absolutely hated himself in that moment for hurting her as much as he obviously did, no matter how oblivious he was of the whole situation.

So he said the only thing he could think of "I’m sorry"

It was her turn to blink at him in confusion. But before she could speak, he went on and added "I’m sorry for not seeing it, I’m sorry for-"

"For not feeling it back ?" she completed coldly before he could.

She had tears in her eyes that were threatening to fall at any moment now. Her vision became all blurry but she tried to hold them back as hard as she could.

She wanted to remain strong, not let her emotions get the best of her. 

Truth is she was terrified of being vulnerable, of letting him in, see how much he hurt her. But there was only so much hurt her heart could take, so she just let them fall.

"What ? No that’s not...Riley, I-" He was frowning and didn’t even understand what was happening. That was definitely not what he wanted to say. In fact he wanted to talk to her about his own confusing feelings for her, but as he opened his mouth to say it, the words just wouldn’t come out.

She shook her head, with a sad smile on her face that didn’t reach her eyes and said "It’s fine, I get it".

She tried her best not to sound bitter but she couldn’t help it. 

She knew it wasn’t fair to him, that she had no right to be mad at him for not loving her the way she desperately wants him to, but she’s only human, and still can’t control the way she feels. And now her heart aches even more than it already did and she can’t help blaming him for it.

She turned away and started walking towards the door when she heard Mac’s footsteps behind her as he was calling for her so she suddenly turned back which caused Mac to instantly stop.

He was  _ so close _ to her, only inches separating them. He could smell her perfume and it was so sweet it was almost intoxicating and he just wanted to wrap her in his arms to just breathe her in, but he thought better of it as she brought him to reality when she said "just drop it" before slamming the door behind her.

She got into her car as fast as she could before he could catch up to her and drove away from the neighborhood before stopping the car and finally, she allowed herself to cry. To fully cry, and let it all out.

The hidden feelings she had tried so hard to keep buried were finally out.

And just like she had feared, she may have just lost her best friend at that cost.

So she cried. She cried and cried and reached for her phone.

She didn’t show up to work the next day. 

To be completely honest, it didn’t surprise Mac but he had to make sure she was okay. He tried calling her but she kept dodging his phone calls.

He even went to her new apartment as soon as he found the address but the door remained closed since she wouldn’t answer it.

He found out later on that she had called in sick and asked Matty if she could work from home for a few days.

She had moved in right after her conversation with Mac and Bozer went to help her as soon as she’d called him in tears to explain to him what had happened earlier that night.

He knew she needed space, but he just wanted to clarify everything between them.

She just couldn’t go back to work and see him.

She couldn’t bear the thought of him looking at her with pity because he didn’t feel the same way. 

So as cowardly as she knew it was, she hid in her apartment for a whole week, completely ignoring him.

Until one day she finally left her apartment to go back to work, after Matty told her she was needed for a problem only she could solve.

What she should’ve been expecting was  Mac waiting for her beside her car right outside her apartment.

She sighed and walked past him, begging him with her gaze to just let it go.

He definitely had other plans as he reached for her arm and before he could even say her name, she beat him to it and immediately said "Mac, please don’t", walking away from him.

"Riles, I-"

She stopped and turned away to finally meet his gaze "don’t okay ?! please don’t make this any weirder or harder than it already is. I told you that I loved you and I probably destroyed our friendship by doing so and I already hate myself enough as it is, so please, I really don’t need you to make it any worse."

"riley, no that’s not-"

"no what, huh ? and why aren’t you with  her anyway ? please let’s just pretend none of this ever happened so we can at least try to go back to normal because i don’t see how-"

she was cut off by Mac who took three long strides towards her and grabbed her face to kiss her. 

She was completely taken aback and didn’t move for a second, but then she kissed him back as she placed her hands on his wrists. 

She couldn’t even think straight as millions of thoughts were running through her head but she ignored them all and lost herself in that moment. 

His lips were warm and incredibly soft and she was thankful he was holding her at that moment because if he weren’t she probably would’ve fallen apart in his arms.

All she could do was sigh into the kiss and let him pull her closer and closer.

She pulled away after a few long seconds and opened her mouth to speak but nothing would come out. 

She shook her head in confusion as a ghost of a smile appeared on her face and he grinned at her, still cupping both of her cheeks.

"I can’t pretend like it didn’t happen, just like you couldn’t pretend you didn’t feel like you were dying too when you thought I was dead, and the single thought of losing me didn’t make you feel so weak you couldn’t even breathe. And you know what ? that’s exactly how I felt when you were in that hospital bed and I was absolutely terrified of losing you as I was holding your hand like a lifeline. You felt like your heart was getting ripped out of your chest every time you saw me with Desi, who broke up with me back when you and I were still working with Codex by the way, and as much as i hate to admit it, I felt the same way when you were still dating that Aubrey guy or whatever his name is”

he rolled his eyes and Riley snorted but didn’t interrupt him.

"And lastly, I can’t pretend like I don’t love you either, because I do, so much. Falling in love with you was the easy part; it's admitting to myself that it happened that was hard and that took me forever.". He said so softly she could’ve melted right there in his arms. 

"That’s pretty much what I’ve been desperately meaning to tell you for days but you wouldn’t even let me speak let alone see you".

She felt guilty and looked down but he was now caressing her cheek with the back of his finger with one hand while the other was holding up her chin to make her look at him.

They kept looking at each other for a few seconds which seemed like an eternity in a parallel universe where they were the only two people who existed.

He was then searching her face to figure out what she was thinking and she was simply looking at him in awe, not able to reply right away.

He broke the silence as he took a deep breath and added "please say something"he smiled nervously and shook his head.

She rose to her tiptoes and raised her hand to brush away a strand of his hair from his forehead with a straight face, and it was impossible for him to tell what she was about to say.

"do you know how cheesy it is that you actually remembered every single word I said" she teased as she started smiling slowly.

"not as cheesy as saying them in the first place" he slightly frowned but couldn’t help the grin on his face as he was teasing her.

"oh give me a break !" she said giggling and the sound almost made his heart break with joy. 

she smiled widely at him and it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

"anyways, what I was trying to say is...I love you too"

She looked at him with so much love in her gaze and he honestly didn’t think he deserved it. He could see the whole world in her hazel eyes and he just wanted to lose himself in them. 

"why didn’t you tell me sooner, you idiot !" she playfully shoved at his shoulder.

He held his shoulder as he pretended to be hurt before saying "I could ask you the same question"

She chuckled and wrapped her arms around his neck as she captured his lips with hers and he instantly held her by the waist.

That simple gesture warmed her heart as she felt hope blooming inside her.

And in that moment she allowed herself to completely ignore the rest of the world and only focus on his hands on her hips and his lips on hers.

A wave of happiness washed over her and she almost couldn’t stop smiling through the kiss.

They pulled away, both needing to breathe but immediately missing the contact so he kissed her once more before lifting her off her feet and spinning her around like two idiots in love.

Maybe for once the universe was finally going to let them be _happy_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I think I’m gonna slow down with the angst now, I’ve tortured them enough already haha but hey y’all know im a sucker for angst so im not making any promises lmao. hope you guys liked it <33

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it ! let me know your thoughts and if you wanna read more :))


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